Monday, April 12, 2010
I'm Ready to be a Mary
I'm tired of being a Martha. Being a Martha has gotten me nowhere. I have made Dean's lists and graduated with Honors only to be reminded that I am not the smartest fish in the pond, and sometimes not even in the pond at all. Sometimes I am beached and flailing wildly, eyes bulging, and full of panic. All of my egotistical little achievements really mean nothing.
I'm tired of being a Martha. Being a Martha has made me "spoiled and exhausted" to borrow a phrase from my dear friend and fellow writer Emily Osburne. I am tired of running after perfection: perfect grades, perfect career, perfect marriage, perfect body, perfect soul. I am incapable of all of the above.
What I want, more than anything, is a life of adventure and purpose. I want to throw away this notion of coordinating throw pillows and performance, always this exhaustive performance to prove that I am worthy of being loved by someone, anyone. This dance leaves me lonelier and lonelier.
I'm ready to be a Mary. I'm ready to sit and listen and leave myself open to criticism. I'm ready to trade what is good for what is best. I'm ready to depart from the tribe of normal and form my own partnership of extraordinary--Just me and Jesus. I'm ready to not only be saved, but also sanctified.